


Static in my Head

by wayward_winter_soldier



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Asexual Julian Bashir, Autistic Julian Bashir, Bullied Julian Bashir, Bullying, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Garak is Babe, Garashir If You Squint, Gen, Holodecks/Holosuites, Hospitals, Human Experimentation, Hurt Julian Bashir, Kira Nerys is Mean at First, Medical Experimentation, Medical Torture, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Violence, Post-Episode: s05e16 Doctor Bashir I Presume, Suicide Attempt, julian centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:01:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23395204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wayward_winter_soldier/pseuds/wayward_winter_soldier
Summary: Major Kira Nerys thinks Dr. Bashir has had everything handed to him. Julian's newest holosuite program is about to change her mind.(This is set after Dr. Bashir, I Presume)
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	1. The Fight

**Author's Note:**

> This was posted to my fanfiction.net account (bumblebeecas) first, but I'm slowly switching over to AO3.

"-and I don't think that privileged _boy_ has had a hard day's work in his entire life! I thought he could use with some ore processing anyway. He's had everything handed to him!"

It was hard for Dr. Julian Bashir not to listen in on the gossip a few tables away from him, especially because the gossip was about him. He was used to people talking about him behind his back, but he had started to consider Major Kira Nerys his friend (or at least acquaintance). It stung to hear such hard words about himself coming from her.

"Well, you didn't have to leave him there," interjected Lieutenant Jadzia Dax, her hands fidgeting around her mug of raktajino. She seemed uncomfortable with the discussion, but she wasn't necessarily leaping to Dr. Bahsir's defense. In fact, she personally agreed with Kira, though she was too nice to admit it out loud. The doctor did seem a bit too arrogant for his own good.

"Why shouldn't I? It wasn't like he was hurt at all! He's fine!"

"Kira, it was so long ago, just drop it..."

Bashir let his eyes drift down to the cup of Tarkalean tea that sat in front of him, his eyes beginning to prick with the strain of tears threatening to release. He wasn't going to cry, especially not here. There was no use. People would always believe he had had an easy childhood. They always assumed he'd been given everything he has ever wanted or needed.

"Kira, lower your voice," Dax mumbled, her eyes darting around Quark's Bar.

"Why should I? Everybody agrees with me!" Kira looked around and her eyes landed on Chief Miles O'Brien, who had just walked in to meet Julian for lunch.

"Chief, don't you agree that Dr. Bashir has had it good his _entire life_?"

O'Brien looked uncomfortable, especially since he had spotted Julian sitting in the back of the bar watching the whole conversation unfold.

"I think you need to give the man a little more credit," Miles finally said, hoping the Major would drop the argument.

"You can tell me the truth, Chief. I know you can't _stand_ the man-"

That was the moment Julian Bashir decided to walk over. If no one was going to defend him, then he had no choice but to do it himself.

"I'd stop now, Major. You don't know a damn thing you're talking about," the doctor said, his eyes squinted in anger and his voice holding steady.

"Doctor, were you listening this entire time?" Dax asked, but Julian ignored her.

Kira looked up at the doctor. There was no flash of surprise on her face. She hid it very well.

"You don't know what it's like to suffer, Doctor," Kira sneered, standing to meet the chief medical officer eye to eye. "You don't know what it's like to be a slave. You'll never know."

There was a crowd watching at this point, but Julian didn't notice. He was only focused on Kira. "You are not the only person who has suffered. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be."

Julian began to walk away, but Kira's voice stopped him. "What have you suffered from? A bad mark on an Academy test?"

"Kira, stop," Dax said, placing hands on the Bajoran woman's shoulders.

Julian turned, his eyes filled with fire. "Won't you see."

He turned, exiting the bar, leaving Kira only slightly stunned.


	2. The Idea

There was a beep indicating someone was outside his door, but Julian wasn't sure he wanted any company at that time.

"Dr. Bashir?"

Julian knew that voice, the way it pronounced his surname.

"Come in, Garak."

The Cardassian walked in, taking notice of the human resting his head against the exterior of the couch while sitting on the carpeted floor.

"Really, Doctor, there is furniture for a reason."

"Not now, Garak. I thought you came to cheer me up," Julian mumbled, only picking his head up slightly to talk to the tailor.

"Well, I did," Garak sat on the couch, looking down at Julian. "I heard what Major Kira said. It was very long ago-"

"I know that!" Julian all but shouted, standing up hastily to pace about the room, a habit he had the reared its ugly head when the young doctor was at all nervous.

"It's not just that," Julian continued. "Everyone thinks I've had it so good! No one knows what I've really been through, especially Kira! She thinks she's the only one on the entire station who has ever suffered!"

"You could always tell her," Garak suggested. "Tell her how you really feel."

Julian looked over, ceasing with his pacing. "That's actually a good idea."

"Of course it is, I came up with it, didn't I?"

Julian ignored the remark, instead walking over to his computer. "Thank you, Garak."

Garak smiled, standing to leave. "Anytime, Julian."

WwWw

"Quark, I need a favor."

The Ferengi looked up from where he was wiping down the bar.

"Doctor, I didn't think I would see you around here for a while, considering-"

"Can you help me or not?" Julian interrupted.

"Depends, what's the favor? And what's in it for me?"

"What do you want?" Julian asked.

Quark thought about it. "Tell me the favor first."

Julian did. The Ferengi thought for a long time.

"On the house."

"What, why?" Julian asked, knowing Quark had to be up to something.

"Hey, I can be generous. And besides, the Major was a tad bit hard on you. I don't know if this idea of yours will fix anything, but leave the hard stuff to me, and you might have a chance."

Julian didn't exactly know what to say, so he went with "thank you."

"Ah," Quark swatted his hand as if trying to get rid of an imaginary Glob Fly. "Just buy a drink and we're even, okay?"


	3. The Plan in Motion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here's another chapter for you (yes, YOU!) I hope you enjoy it!

"Quark, what seems to be the emergency?" Major Kira asked as she looked around the bar, not seeing anything amiss.

"Oh, Major, it's the Holosuites!" Quark exclaimed, walking out from behind the bar. "Just... you have to see for yourself!"

"Quark, I swear, if this is some scheme like last time-" 

"It's not, I swear!" The Ferengi lied as he led the Major towards where his Holosuites were stationed, only one indicated that it was in use.

The Major wasn't sure what she was doing here. "What, is it broken or something? Isn't that more a job for the Chief?"

Quark said nothing, just pushed a few buttons on the computer of the one in-use Holosuite until it opened to reveal Dr. Julian Bashir.

"Doctor? What-"

Kira didn't finish her sentence due to the fact that Quark ever so gently pushed her through the door.

"Major. I'm glad you could come," Julian said, watching as the door closed behind Kira.

"Doctor, what is this all about? Look, I'm sorry about the other day, but-"

Julian held up his hand to stop the Major from continuing. "I know, Kira. But what you said was very hurtful and I told you that you would see what I've been through and I'm not one to go back on promises. So, just stay for the Program, please. It's the least you could do considering."

Kira crossed her arms over her chest, not liking the predicament she was in at all. "Doctor... _Julian_ , listen. I've said sorry, is that not enough?"

Julian smiled softly, though his eyes did not reflect the smile. "Major, it'll only take an hour or so. I suppose you owe me that much. Computer. Start Program."

* * *

The scenery changed around the two officers to what appeared to be Earth. They were outside what seemed to be a school of some sort. Kira looked around at all the human children playing together. All except one, who sat on a bench alone, watching all the others kick balls around and play on the swing sets.

"Is that..." Kira trailed off.

"Yes. That's me when I was six. Before... everything."

The two watched the young Julian. He seemed so lonely and sad and Kira felt a bit of pity in her heart for the child.

Soon, though, a few boys were walking over, and Kira smiled, hoping they would ask the young boy to play. She was, however, mistaken.

"Hey!"

Six-year-old Jules Bashir looked up, his eyes meeting the other boys. He didn't look excited as Kira had hoped.

"Freak! Get over here!" one of the boys shouted. Jules stood, walking over slowly.

"What, no friends to play with, huh?" a taller boy sneered down at Jules. "Probably because you're stupid."

He shoved Jules to the ground as Kira audibly gasped. She looked over at the older Julien, who was staring at the scene with an emotionless gaze.

Kira could barely watch as the boys began to kick Jules in the stomach. The only thing the young boy could do was try to curl his body away from the kicks as they rained down on him. Soon, though, the scene changed and Kira and Julian were in a house.

"Maybe if he wasn't so stupid, this wouldn't happen!" a man shouted from the kitchen as a woman sat in the dining room with the young Jules, wiping away a bloody nose.

"Richard, please! It's not Jules' fault!" the woman cried, looking at her son in both pity and disappointment. 

"I'm serious, Amsha! We can try and try all day but the fact is, it's his fault!"

"I'm sorry," the young Jules finally spoke up and Kira could hear just how soft and broken the child's voice was. 

"I know, sweetie, I know. Daddy's just... angry in general, not at you, okay."

Jules didn't look like he really understood, but he nodded anyway, clutching a teddy bear in his small fingers as he did.

"Those are..." Kira couldn't continue.

"My parents," the elder Julian said, his eyes meeting Kira's. 

"I'm..." The Major didn't know what to say. Parents were meant to love their children, not call them stupid and blame them for their own misfortunes at such a young age.

"There's more," Julian said quietly as the scene changed once again.


	4. The Hospital

The Doctor and Major watched as the scene around them changed to a hospital room. The young Julien laid in the bed, the same teddy bear still in his small hands.

"Mummy, am I sick?" the young boy asked.

Amsha Bashir tried her best not to cry. "Yes, Jules. You're sick. And you need to let the doctors take care of you, okay?"

Jules didn't look thrilled at the idea of doctors and hospitals but nodded.

Kira looked to the corner, where Julian's father stood, his arms crossed. "Amsha, we have to leave."

Amsha nodded, wiping a single tear from her cheek as she kissed the top of her son's head. "We'll be back soon, Jules. I promise."

The elder Julian looked at Major Kira. "They didn't come back for a year."

The scene transformed.

* * *

A young Julian was struggling in his bed. Kira could see that his limbs were restrained to the bed.

A doctor was near him, a hypospray in his hand.

"Damn it!" the doctor yelled to the two nurses. "Hold him down!"

Jules cried. "Please, I don't want it! Please!"

The doctor sneered. "It'll make your parents love you. Right now they don't love you."

The six-year-old looked sadly up at the doctor. "Mummy loves me."

"No, she doesn't. She's only pretending."

This made the boy cry harder. Kira felt her heart twist. This poor child was so young and had already gone through so much. It reminded her of the Bajoran during the Occupation.

The doctor roughly jammed the hypospray into Jules' arm, making the child cry harder.

"Shut him up," the doctor said, standing and walking from the room.

Kira and Julian watched as the young boy was gagged and left restained.

* * *

"Doctor... Julian, I'm. I'm sorry," Kira said, looking over at the man who seemed so young.

"Major," Julien finally spoke, turning to face her. "I accept your apology, however, there is more I would like to show you."

"Why?" Kira asked. "Why are you forcing me to watch all this?"

"Because. You of all people understand pain. And no one has seen this. No one but me."

Kira didn't reply, she only watched more horrible scenes unfold. The doctors were cruel to Jules, even when his mental capacities were improving. The staff was cruel. Some days, when Jules' IQ did not improve enough, they starved him. And when it seemed that Jules was doing exactly what they wanted him to, they told him he was taking up space that someone who really needed treatment could be using. That if his parents weren't paying so handsomely they would have thrown him out into the streets by now.

Jules Bashir was so young and defenseless, Kira wanted to cry. But she knew she couldn't in front of present-day Julien. 

Through all the torture, Julian finally spoke and Kira diverted her attention from a scene of a doctor slapping a young Jules in the face for not being able to pronounce a Vulcan word. 

"All my life, I was scared of doctors," Julien said, looking Kira in the eyes. "I thought they were monsters. They were supposed to help people, yet they hurt me. I decided I wanted to be a doctor, though. Why? Well, I wanted there to be at least one doctor in the universe that helped rather than harmed. And now I know all doctors aren't evil, but at the time that was very important to me."

Kira said nothing, but she grabbed Julian's hand and squeezed.


	5. The Departure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow it's been a while i'm really sorry i get caught up in one fandom at a time and like ignore everything else lol

The scene changed in front of Major Kira's eyes. It was still a young Julian, though he looked tired, with large purple bags under his eyes. No child should have bags under their eyes, thought Kira as she watched the doctor who had continues hurt Julian walk into the room. Young Julian was no longer restrained to the bed, but his legs dangled off the side and he had his eyes glued to his hands that laid in his lap.

"The treatment is over," the doctor said, a hypospray in his hands. "Only one more injection. Your parents will come to pick you up today."

Young Julian said nothing, as did current Julian, who only stared ahead as if he was emotionally distancing himself from the entire scene.

"Jules, look at me when I speak to you!" the doctor shouted. Jules' eyes shot up obediently. 

"That's more like it," the doctor said, injecting the hypospray into Julian's neck, not caring at all that the young boy winced in pain.

There were footsteps approaching and Kira looked over towards the entrance of the hospital room. It was Julian's parents.

"Hello, Jules!" his mother said, a sweet smile on her face as she gave Julian a tight hug the child did not return.

The doctor and Richard Bashir discussed something off to the side. Kira could make out a few words, like gene therapy, enhancements, and such. She was more focused on young Julian, though.

"Did they treat you well, Jules?" Amsha asked, brushing her son's hair behind his ear. Julian caught the watchful eye of the doctor and nodded rapidly, pulling his shirt sleeve down subconsciously to hid the burns from the restraints.

"That's very good."

"I just gave him the last hypospray. He won't remember what happened," the doctor said to Richard, still watching Julian like a hawk.

"You remembered," Kira said softly, to the current Julian, who nodded.

"I found out when I was fifteen. I felt so... betrayed. My father had decided I was a failure at age six. Age six... can you imagine that? What child is any good at anything at age six?"

Kira found herself putting a supporting hand on the doctor's shoulder, but he brushed it off as he began to pace around the Holosuite.

"I stopped calling myself Jules then. Went by Julian. Everything was different. I was different."

Kira didn't reply. She didn't know what to say. She had thought Julian Bashir had had a privileged upbringing. She never could have imagined the awful things that happened to him.

"Julian... we can stop now. I understand-"

"No," Julian interrupted. "We have to go through it all."

Kira nodded as the scene changed once again.

* * *

She recognized the place. She had seen photographs of it. Starfleet Academy. Her gut twisted and the thought of what could have possibly happened to the doctor during his academy days. It was a very lovely say in San Francisco and there were many cadets milling around on their way to classes or to study. Many stood in groups and chatted, some sat on benches and read from PADDs. She looked around for Julian and finally found him under a tree, a stack of PADDs falling out of his open satchel as he read from one, ignoring the world around him. He looked much more like he did currently, just with fewer stress lines on his face and in his Starfleet Academy cadet uniform. One of his long legs was folded up close to his body while the other stretched out into the grass. He looked... content. That was the first word that came to Kira's mind.

"Bashir," a new voice said from behind Kira. She turned to see a person she didn't recognize. He was Human, with blond hair, fair skin, and blue eyes. He had a sort of sneer on his face. She didn't think he was here to make friends.

"Thompson," Cadet Bashir said, not looking up from his PADD. "What do I owe the pleasure?"

In response, the blonde boy leaned over and knocked the PADD out of Bashir's hand, letting it tumble to the grassy ground. Julian sighed but looked up at the other cadet.

"I told you. I'm done," he said, picking his PADD up from the ground and putting it into his satchel. He closed the bag and stood, heaving it onto his shoulder. "I'm not helping you."

"Like hell you aren't, Bashir."

"Look," the young Bashir said softly, his hands up defeat. "Just... please leave me alone."

Thompson punched Bashir in the face, sending the young cadet to the ground, his bag coming off his shoulder and falling near where he had landed. He put his hand to his face in shock. He was about to get back up when the other cadet kicked him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of Julian. No one seemed to notice the assault happening, which angered Kira to no end. Was no one going to help him?

"Let that be a lesson, Bat-sheer," the boy said, purposely mispronouncing Julian's surname. "Do the work and you won't be in pain."

Thompson dropped a PADD near Julians's head. Kira assumed correctly that it was the boy's homework that he was forcing Julian to complete for him. 

"I wasn't allowed to fight back," Bashir said softly to the Major, his eyes staring down at his feet. "My... augments. They made me stronger, but I had to hide them. I couldn't let anyone know."

Kira frowned, put put her hand on Bashir's shoulder once more. He didn't move away this time.


End file.
